Caring for Yourself in Times of Grief
The other day, someone casually asked me “How has your summer been?!" with so much enthusiasm, I was uncertain, at first, how I should respond. You see, a little over a month ago, one of my dear friends experienced a terrible and unexpected loss and two weeks later, my husband's father passed away. While for many summer can be a season of joy and relaxation, for us, it has been a time of grief, rest, and retreat. Today, I will start to dive into a conversation about grief and share 6 ways you can care for yourself during challenging times.
Redefining Grief
Truth be told, we struggle as a society to talk about and hold space for those who are grieving. In fact, I often find that, as a society, we can find it challenging to hear about or see people experiencing sadness or depression. Trust me, I get it, these are hard emotions to sit with. But, the truth is, at any given moment, more people are experiencing them than you may think. Even just this past week, I put out a poll to my community on social media and 90% of people that responded indicated they were experiencing some type of sadness and grief.
To help me grow in this area, during the pandemic, I immersed myself into a grief literacy coaching program. I am someone who experiences a lot of anticipatory grief and, during a time that already felt so uncertain and challenging, I wanted to give myself the opportunity to learn more about grief. During my training, I had to unlearn what I thought grief was and what it means. Previously, I thought grief was solely limited to the loss of a person or a pet. Yet, through my training, I learned that grief encompasses so much more.
If you can relate, I'd love to offer you the new definition of grief that I have embraced these past few years - “Grief is your whole being's involuntary response to loss or change.” While this certainly includes the loss of a loved one, the spread of grief extends much farther than that. During the pandemic, so many of us were in grief and didn't know it. In fact, during that time, I was fortunate enough to give virtual presentations to women across the globe about the unexpected role grief plays in our wellness journey. If you're surprised to learn that grief plays a part in wellness, you're not alone. Time and again, I consistently heard from participants “I had no idea that what I was experiencing was grief.”
I look forward to continuing this conversation about grief in the coming weeks. For now, I invite you to get curious about areas where you might be experiencing change (even if it's happy) or loss and see if you can identify if grief is present for you.
6 Ways to Practice Self-Care During Grief
During challenging times, self-care is critical. If you aren't regularly practicing self-care, this is my reminder for you to start. I'll tell you that, if you are waiting to practice self-care when you are upset or in the midst of a difficult time, it will be incredibly challenging for you. Self-care is a muscle you have to work on building regularly so that, when you need it, it is easier to access. Today, I am sharing 6 ways that I have been embracing self-care during this time to inspire you to care for yourself during grief or challenging times.
Prepare (or ask for help with receiving) Simple, Nourishing Meals - These past few weeks, one of the things I have appreciated most was a home cooked meal. Now, trust me, I am deeply, deeply grateful for our friends who sent food delivery/coffee gift cards our way during this time. We absolutely used them and they were a godsend. Yet, honestly, after a few days, takeout loses its appeal. For me, during this time, I was most grateful for simple, home cooked meals. To me, having a home cooked meal was a way to be grounded in a time when everything felt so unmoored. I can't say enough how grateful I am for our friends and family that prepared home cooked meals for us. In a time when we were using so much mental and emotional energy, having this taken off our plate (no pun intended) was a big help. When I felt ready to step back into preparing meals for our family, I started with easy to put together meals like soups or anything for our CrockPot/Instant Pot. (PS: Yes, I'll share recipe ideas in an upcoming newsletter.)
Tending to Sensory Overload - During this time, I have found that being in busy, loud spaces is overwhelming - especially those first few weeks. Two days after my father-in-law passed, I had to go to the mall to buy black shoes for the funeral and I was absolutely depleted when we left. Everything just felt so loud and too much for my system to handle. Heck, even two of the department stores I went into had live DJs for the day (why?!) and I honestly walked in and had to immediately walk out. Additionally, I was surprised to realize during this time that, sometimes, even listening to a podcast or audiobook was too much for my system to handle. So, I met myself where I was at and, when I could, I let myself embrace silence, sound bowl therapy, and made a new playlist for myself to better fit my needs. I also made time, even if it was for just a minute or so, to mediate/breathe mindfully.
Communicate with People Willing to Listen and Hold Space for You - Finding community in grief is powerful. There is something so deeply nourishing about having a space to cry and be your authentic self without apology. Whether this is a dear friend, a loved one, or a therapist, having a safe space where you can explore your emotions is crucial during this time.
Release Expectations for Yourself and Embrace Rest - If you're anything like me, in my day-to-day life, I often have a long to-do list. One thing I am always working on is giving myself grace to abandon expectations for myself and that was never more true than during this time of grief. Anyone who has been through grief can tell you that your body fatigues more easily. Your nervous system is in shock and it's tired. My husband and I would often talk about how, despite sleeping all night, we would wake up exhausted. We both realized really quickly that we would need to honor our body's needs during this time. While some people like to try to work through their grief, I imagine that, eventually, that fatigue will hit them. For us, embracing rest has been key. Even if that looks like working on something for 30-60 minutes and then needing a nap, release your expectations and embrace it.
Lean into Your Self-Care Toolkit - For me, I was so grateful I have spent the past few years creating different levels of self-care for my personal toolkit. This is something I am relying on heavily and it's nice to meet myself where I am at. For example, some days, the only self-care I could do was take a seat and have a warm cup of tea. Other days, I could manage a short walk outside, journaling, or reading. On days when one of my tools felt too challenging (like movement) I released my expectations and embraced something different instead. Being able to meet yourself where you are at, without judgment, for your self-care is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
Be Willing to Ask for Help and Change Priorities - Admittedly, this one has been more challenging for me. Honestly, for some reason, I thought I could go back to work the day after the funeral and it wasn't until I found myself hysterically crying after a Zoom call that I realized that wouldn't work. When I talked about it with my boss the next day, he couldn't have been more kind. He let me know that he was just waiting for me to ask for help and I let him know that asking for help is hard for me. Additionally, during the first few weeks, it was challenging for me to even know what to ask for help with. With that understanding, I let him know that it would be most helpful to me if he could ask to take on different projects rather than waiting for me to hand them over. Now, having worked in many different environments, I can tell you that being able to have this type of conversation with your employer is a gift and not always possible. So, where you can, I encourage you to try being honest with the people you trust about how you are doing and let yourself receive help.
It's my sincerest hope that this brief list is a helpful resource for you. If nothing else, if you are going through grief, I hope this helps you know you aren't alone. In the meantime, I am sending you each love and encourage you to be as kind to others as possible - you never know what someone is going through.
Sincerely,
Nicole