Forgiveness is More Than Saying Sorry

One of my favorite movies is Just Friends. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a quarantine favor and watch it. In the film, Anna Faris plays a hilarious and terrible pop star named Samantha James who sings a ridiculous song about forgiveness. As you can see from the quote above, the song itself is garbage (aka comedic gold). Yet, as I have been thinking about forgiveness I have also been thinking about this song often and have a good laugh. This is usually a welcome relief for me because forgiveness is rarely a humorous topic.

As humans, making mistakes is inevitable. It seems that messing up is an inherent part of our DNA. Unless you are a disillusioned narcissist, there isn't a person reading this who cannot admit that they have had to seek forgiveness for something they have done or have been in a position where they have had to choose to forgive. When writing about forgiveness, C.S. Lewis once poignantly said, "Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive." Lewis' sentiment illuminates the reality that forgiveness is often incredibly difficult.

Forgiveness can be challenging for a variety of reasons. One of my biggest qualms with forgiveness is the way it is taught. I have found that the way forgiveness is taught leaves the term "forgiveness" as either being rarely defined or poorly defined. One of the common ways I have seen forgiveness taught is to make the term forgiveness synonymous with absolution. If this definition of forgiveness was a doormat, it would say something like "Come wipe your feet and walk all over me - it's okay!"

Needless to say, I strongly disagree with this type of definition. Instead, to me, forgiveness does not mean excusing whatever action/behavior occurred. Recently, someone asked me what word I choose instead to define forgiveness. The word I chose is "reckoning". To me, forgiveness is a reckoning. It is, in part, a calculation of what is more important for you to hold on to. On one hand, you have your hurt/hate/disappointment/disbelief and on the other, you have your healing. Also, depending on who hurt you, along with your healing you also may take into consideration the healing of that particular relationship and how important it is to you. So, with a definition like this, instead of an absolution type of forgiveness, this type of forgiveness becomes a choice you must make for what you want to focus your time and energy on.

One of the most obvious challenges of forgiveness is that, when you have been deeply hurt by someone, it's rare that you receive an apology. Obviously, apologies don't wash away hurt feelings but they can lessen the sting. Another roadblock to consider with forgiveness is intent. You may consider what the intent was of the person that hurt you when they acted. Were they intentionally trying to hurt you? If not, that can make forgiveness easier as well.

Yet, regardless of intent or whether you have received an apology or not, one of my personal hangups with forgiveness in the past has revolved around trying to figure out what to do with the hurt that I feel. Of course, the easy choice looks like resentment. Resentment can seem enticing because it may look like your opportunity to return hurt to the person that hurt you. It is as if withholding forgiveness will get you both back on even ground. Yet, as Nelson Mandela once said, "resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies". The tough reality is that resentment and withholding forgiveness is even more toxic and hurtful for us. What a fucked cycle right? Someone hurts us, we resent them, and then we end up doubly hurt? How is that fair? It's not. Sure, their mistake resulted in hurting you but your mistake here is choosing to engage in resentment.

I think forgiveness is a deeply intimate act and actually requires a great deal of strength. In fact, the more I learn about forgiveness, the more I think it can reveal and test your beliefs in a higher power and the world around you. Forgiveness requires a great deal of compassion. Not just compassion for the person that hurt you but compassion for yourself as well. Many times, I don't believe that type of compassion is possible without your belief in the greater good and really, what is faith but a belief in the power of goodness and love?

One of the things I have realized is that hurt people, hurt people. Does that reality lessen the pain you might feel when you are in a situation where you have to choose to forgive? No, of course not. But, at least it opens your heart to have compassion. When you are tapped into compassion you can then focus on your own healing and hope for healing for the person that hurt you. I think it's also important to note that compassion allows you to define what your healthy boundaries are. Healthy boundaries are so important to have. Your boundaries illuminate your awareness and respect of what you need. When you have self-compassion, you are better able to determine who deserves entry into your heart and your life. Sure, kindness is something you can give freely to everyone but it is okay if you decide that your friendship is something you reserve for a chosen few. The beauty of this though is that forgiveness and compassion are a choice and you have the power to decide what to choose and what will best serve you.

So, who would have thought it? Samantha James was right (kind of). Forgiveness really is more than saying sorry.