Two Truths and a Lie
Have you ever played the game two truths and a lie? You know the one where you pick to say two things that are true about yourself and one thing that's a lie and the group you are playing with (usually a group of strangers) guesses which one is the lie? If you haven't played, you're in for a treat because we're going to play. Ready?
From the following list find the lie.
If I work really hard, I can achieve each of my goals.
Caring for others is one of the greatest symbols of love and selflessness.
Mistakes only happen when you don't think things through.
Since this is a newsletter, I am trusting that you will have picked which of these statements you think is the lie on your very best "scouts honor" pledge before we go on.
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(If you're sitting there thinking "Nicole, what's with the dots?" Don't worry, those aren't for you. Those dots are just in case there is a reader amongst you that thought "I am not going to pick something I am just going to scroll ahead and since Nicole is at her house she'll never know." Well, guess what pal? I did know.)
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(Okay, now those were just for me for fun.)
Alright, alright, we can move on. So, did you find the lie? Number 3 sounded pretty dishonest, didn't it? Or what about Number 1? There's no way that's true. Ready for the truth? Each of these statements has an undercurrent of a lie to them. (Yes, even Number 2.)
Let's take a look at that list again:
If I work really hard, I can achieve each of my goals.
Caring for others is one of the greatest symbols of love and selflessness.
Mistakes only happen when you don't think things through.
You might be asking yourself, how can these be partly untrue? The answer is simple: perfectionism. Each of these items comes from a perfectionist mindset and, unfortunately, perfectionism itself is a lie. Ready for some tough love friends? There is no such thing as "perfect". The second you set-up a perfect idea in your mind, you simultaneously automatically set yourself up for failure. When you take up the torch of being a perfectionist, you are walking headfirst into a world with a seedy underbelly of shaming thoughts, anger, and anxiety that will leave you feeling terrible. Let me tell you something else, when you are so focused on having everything be "perfect" and when you try to be "perfect" you can also make yourself an incredibly unpleasant and difficult person to be around. How's that for a truth bomb? Suddenly, being "perfect" doesn't sound so perfect now does it?
Our brains are incredibly smart. Unfortunately, they are also master manipulators and liars. Sorry, but it's true. Before you start thinking that all hope is lost, don't worry, there is an antidote. Did you know, you have one part of your being that is wholly incapable of lying? If you aren't sure what I am talking about, take that as a sign that you likely aren't listening to it very much.
So, what is the part of you that cannot lie? Answer: your body. It really is that simple. Your body simply does not know how to lie and that, my friends, is a gift. Our bodies are speaking truth to us all the time but our mind is so used to being in the driver seat it's like one of those asshole drivers that treats your body as a backseat driver and says "JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME DRIVE!" The hard truth is though, our bodies are in the driver seat and if we don't make the time to listen to them then they will be forced to find a way to be heard. If we force our body to be heard, it has to use techniques that are pretty unpleasant. Things like poor sleep, aches, pains, or illness. All things are definitely on a "Well, this is the least fun I have ever had" list.
So, let's take a closer look at the two truths and a list list again shall we?
1. If I work really hard I can achieve each of my goals.
THE LIE IS: This is classic perfectionist all-or-nothing thinking. You set your mind on a goal and you push yourself as hard as possible until you get there. Sometimes pushing yourself this hard will cause you to have anxiety, not sleep well, your body will feel like crap. But, to your brain, that doesn't matter because your mind knows where you need to go, and surely if just you push yourself just a little harder you can get there! Usually in this world, there is no time for breaks and if people suggest you take one, you realize, they just don't get it! It's almost like you're living in a world where you think someone is keeping score (spoiler alert: no one is). Also, with this type of thinking, if you don't reach your goal exactly as you thought you should or when you thought you should, you are a failure. Anything less than the best to you is the worst. If you had a theme song it would be O-Town's All or Nothing "Cause [you] want it all, or nothing it at all!"
THE TRUTH IS: Stop "shoulding" all over yourself. All you can do is your best. You might set off thinking you want to achieve one particular goal but along the way, you might realize that the goal changes or that getting that goal means living in a way that you don't actually enjoy or want. The best way to push through the lie here is a hearty dose of self-compassion. Sometimes, you won't always be able to achieve your goals because life gets in the way and that's okay. The road to success is never linear and if you don't give yourself some grace you will not only be missing the bigger picture but you will also be working against yourself instead of with yourself along the way.
2. Caring for others is one of the greatest symbols of love and selflessness.
THE LIE IS: If I put everyone else's needs before my own, I am a loving and caring person. Putting myself first is selfish and I don't want to be that way. Another lie that often creeps up here is "I have to make this perfect for XYZ person!"
THE TRUTH IS: Making your needs a priority is not selfish, its a necessity. If you don't stop to fill up your own tank, you won't get very far. Having a giving and caring personality is a beautiful gift but you can't pour from an empty cup. You need to find ways to set boundaries in your life so you can take breaks and take care of yourself. Also, wanting to give the person you love a "perfect" experience is a well-intentioned but misguided thought. Your likeability and your loved one's enjoyment is not linked to you being perfect. If you are so focused on making everything "perfect" you will actively miss out on enjoying the experience with the person you love. What happens to your body with this type of perfectionist thinking? You likely feel stressed, exhausted, unable to enjoy the present, anxious, etc. In sum, like crap. So, take off your anxious/perfectionist hat and put on your party hat and enjoy this one precious life we have and be fully in the experience with your loved ones.
3. Mistakes only happen when you don't think things through.
THE LIE IS: If you really take the time to plan and prepare you can avoid mistakes. This is a variant on the all-or-nothing thinking for perfectionists.
THE TRUTH IS: Mistakes happen, that's life. Usually, perfectionists are so afraid of making mistakes because they think it is some type of failure or, if they're being really honest, they think it means that they are a failure. What happens to a perfectionist's mind when they make a mistake? Usually, it's a little song and dance called self-sabotaging and shaming thinking and behavior. So fun right? How does that way of thinking end up leaving the body feeling? Usually anxious, tired, stressed and (no surprise here) like crap. The truth is, spoiler alert, we can't control everything. In fact, there's actually very little we can control. The reality is that the only thing we can control is ourselves. The long and short of it is, mistakes happen. When they do, it doesn't mean that something is inherently wrong with you, it just means you are learning. Mistakes are learning experiences and a chance to gather information. Mistakes make you stronger, wiser, and more adaptable to change. So, go ahead, make a mistake!
If you are feeling eerily seen right now, I get it. Lately, I have started referring to myself as a "recovering perfectionist." If there was a Perfectionists Anonymous meeting (which, actually would be a terrific group to be honest) I would be right there saying "Hi, my name is Nicole and I am a perfectionist." Even though perfectionism is something I struggle with, I have reframed this thinking to think of my recovery with perfectionism as a gift. By being vulnerable and saying I struggle with perfectionism or anxiety, I don't think of myself as flawed. Instead, I think it is these challenges that make me (and you) even more relatable.
In general, change is a scary concept for most folks. This also means that the idea of changing our behaviors is something we absolutely detest and avoid at all costs. In fact, our brains actively hate change because our brains are always working to keep us safe and alive. Therefore, to your brain, the idea of change = death. Yup, our brains are big 'ol drama queens. Instead of avoiding change, do as Elsa says in Frozen II and go into the unknown! The unknown is where our deepest and best growth happens. Yes, it can be hard but it can also be deeply rewarding. The mind and body are so interconnected. The thoughts, worries, fears, happiness you feel in your brain are also expressed in your body. Have you ever tried noticing where in your body you feel anxiety, happiness, sadness, or anger? If not, give it a try this week and pass the mic from your brain to your body. Let your body be the star of the show for a change. What is your body trying to tell you? Instead of waiting for your body to scream at you, try to start listening to it now and hear its whispers.
If today's piece has you wondering if you are a perfectionist and wanting to make a change, here are some things you can start to do right now to help you feel better.
Start small. I mean, really small. Just try to bring awareness to what your body is saying to you. When you notice yourself feeling a strong emotion pay attention to where that feeling is also presenting itself in your body. When you are trying to learn about yourself, noticing and naming is one of the strongest tools you have in your toolbox. Noticing and naming is so powerful because it allows you to start to become aware of your behaviors. When you become aware of your behaviors you can start to control them instead of having them control you.
Give yourself some grace and practice self-compassion. If you are a perfectionist, you didn't become one overnight and working towards being more self-compassionate takes time. Here are two things you can try as you practice self-compassion (1) ask yourself "If this was happening to a friend/child/partner/loved one right now, what would I say to them?" or (2) ask yourself, "What would be the most loving choice I could make for myself in this moment?" We are usually so much harder on ourselves than we would be to a loved one. So, as you are practicing being more compassionate, go ahead and pretend you are working with a loved one and give yourself the chance to provide yourself with the L-O-V-E you deserve.
Use Quality Resources. Noticing and naming that you might be a perfectionist or that you want to practice more self-compassion is really powerful stuff. There are two really terrific workbooks I recommend utilizing as you start to dig a little deeper. After all, the best way to help yourself means knowing thyself. I highly recommend this perfectionism workbook and this self-compassion workbook. These are both terrific resources and I hope they're helpful as you continue your work to being your best self! Of course, there are other resources out there that you can work with too. But, start small. Try using these workbooks first and then see if you might need a different resource.
Work with a therapist. I will sing about the glory of therapy forever. Imagine how wonderful the world would be if everyone had the ability to start working with a therapist and work through their things/issues/traumas (which we all have)? If we all did that we'd all be much better able to relate and coexist with one another because we'd be more aware of when we were projecting our own shit on to other people. If you don't have a therapist already, spend some time doing some research and finding one you might be able to work with.
No matter which of these methods (if any) you choose to start with just remember this, you are worthy of love and kindness and the best place to start receiving that is with yourself. Don't be afraid of doing this important work. The pay off is really worth it.
